screenplay EXERCISE

[ickle_jim]

in may respects this is harder than writing a real thing... cos then i would get a good idea then think of stuff to put in it, here im trying to think of a good idea with a guy locked in a room. So far ive come up with its a prison cell and theres another guy in there with him. [img]graemlins/thumbs_up.gif[/img]

[Phaethon]

Count me in. Locked Room.

<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ December 19, 2002 05:27 PM: Message edited by: Phaethon ]</font>

[spaceham]

I'm in. Locked room for me. January 1st?

[SoulJacker]

*Idea time*

How about - Man found fisting his dog in the lounge by his wife?

Has a certain ring to it...

Erm, is everyone gonna agree on something or what? For chuffs sake, you lot couldn't organise a **** in ***** house...

[img]tongue.gif[/img] &lt; **** emoticon

[steven_craig]

i suppose i should give it a stab, count me in
but i can only make about 5 pages cause i cant write for sh?t

i prefer dog found fisting his owner by wife

<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ December 19, 2002 07:28 PM: Message edited by: steven_craig ]</font>

[Generic Skinhead]

And afterwards, we can start up a festival-101 man locked in a room films.

Just make sure we don't all post them at the same time. I may regret saying this, but in order to give something a fair review we might have to read it through more than once, and that will much easier if we deal with them one at a time.

[Phaethon]

Okay, I'm seeing three ways we can post our screenplays. We could post them here, on this thread, we could make a new thread where everyone would post them all in one place, or we make new threads for each and every screenplay; which I strongly prefer. Then after all has been read we make a review thread where we can all come together and critique.

<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ December 20, 2002 04:50 PM: Message edited by: Phaethon ]</font>

[deanl]

Hey there.

Ok. I was not sure what to do with this ten page "guy locked in a room" script so I thought I would just have a go this evening. Ive just done about 8 pages. I've just read through it. Not the best thing Ive ever done. Im not sure if Ill stick to this idea and start rewriting or come up with something new.

Anyway if your intrested have a ganders. It might be intresting to see how the script evolves from this VERY VERY ROUGH first attempt to my final script.

FADE IN:

INT. A ROOM - NIGHT

An average looking lounge, decorated and furnished with no
particular style. A small window at the far side of the
room is the only contact with the outside world.

A man stands looking out of the window at the dark night
sky.

(V.O.)
Some people would call this my
prison... My cell... Nothing more
than my upholstered ****eon... They're
wrong of course... This is the only
place I can truly be free. The only
place I can be me...

EXT. PARK - DAY

A lush green park on a warm sunny day. People are playing
Frisbee, having picnics and enjoying the warm weather.

JOSHUWA a good looking man in his early 30's walks through
the park taking in the surroundings.

A man walks his dog just in front Joshuwa. The man Pulls on
the dog's lead as they pass a group of guys and girls playing
Frisbee.

The dog see's the Frisbee in the air and tries to run in
that direction. The man loses his grip of the lead, letting
the dog escape.

The dog follows the Frisbee through the air until in lands
in the hands of a teenage boy. Barking and growling the dog
heads strait for the boy.

The boys fellow Frisbee players look on in horror.

MAN
(shouting)
Drop it... through it away.

The boy gets rid of the Frisbee. It's too late. The dog
has lost all interest in the toy and jumps up at the terrified
boy, biting and scratching at his arm.

Bystanders scream as they see the horrific attack play out
in front of them.

Joshuwa watches as men and women run over and try and pull
the rabid dog away.

He finishes his cigarette, lights another and walks on.

Leaving the mayhem behind him.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
2.


EXT. BAR - DAY

Joshuwa still smoking, approaches the bar. He gets rid of
the cigarette and takes a look at his watch. It's stopped.
He taps it with his finger. He takes at a long look at the
sky, drops the cigarette and goes inside.

INT. BAR - DAY

The bar is dead. Just the bartender and a few hard drinkers.

Joshuwa heads for the bar.

BARTENDER
What can I get ya?

JOSHUWA
Whiskey... Strait.

The Bartender fixes the drink. Joshuwa downs it in one.

He points at the bottle.

JOSHUWA (CONT'D)
Another.

The Bartender fixes a second drink. Again, Joshuwa downs it
in one.

JOSHUWA (CONT'D)
One more.

(O.S.)
Someone's thirsty.

Joshuwa turns around to see AMY, a good looking women in her
20's. She sits at a table surrounded by a pile of books.
She looks totally out of place in the bar.

AMY
I could buy you a bowl of water if
you really want to quench that thirst.

Holding up his third drink.

JOSHUWA
No. Thanks. This will be fine.

AMY
It's just that you don't look like
the usual Monday afternoon whiskey
drinker.

JOSHUWA
I'm not. It's one of those days.
You know?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
3.


AMY
Sit here long enough and you see all
kinds of "those days"... I'm sorry.
I'm Amy.

The pair shake hands.

JOSHUWA
I'm Joshuwa. What about you?
(looking at all the
books on the table)
What kind of day is this?

AMY
A tedious one.

JOSHUWA
Can I buy you a drink?

AMY
No. I'm fine thanks...

Pointing to the seat opposite.

AMY (CONT'D)
Take the weight off.

Joshuwa sits down.

JOSHUWA
So what are you doing in a place
like this? I'm sure there are better
places to study...

He picks up a book and reads the title.

JOSHUWA (CONT'D)
Cats?

AMY
Zoology. The reason I'm in a place
like this, is my father owns it.

JOSHUWA
Really? Nice.

AMY
(sarcastically)
Yup. One day, all this will be mine.

JOSHUWA
That's quite a legacy.

AMY
Maybe one day I'll convert it...

JOSHUWA
Into what? A Zoo?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
4.


AMY
I was thinking of something on a
somewhat smaller scale.

The two giggle.

AMY (CONT'D)
So... We know why I'm here...

They share an awkward pause.

JOSHUWA
(Jokingly)
You should be encouraging your
clientele to come in here and drink.
(Beat)
Not questioning their motives.

Another pause.

AMY
OK, Joshuwa. You seem like a nice
guy.

She looks at her watch.

AMY (CONT'D)
It's lunchtime. I'm Hungry. You
want to come and get something to
eat with me?

Joshuwa seems shocked by how forward Amy is.

JOSHUWA
Sure. I could go for a steak
sandwich.

Amy looks to the bartender.

AMY
So your a meat eater...
(to the bartender)
Hey Jimmy.

The bartender looks back.

Amy points to the books.

AMY (CONT'D)
I'm going to leave this stuff here
and go get some lunch.

Amy gets up and picks up her bag.

AMY (CONT'D)
(to Joshuwa)
Come on... You waiting for a written
invitation? Lets go eat.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
5.


EXT. STREET - LATER

Joshuwa and Amy are walking down a busy street. Their body
language is much more intimate than you would expect from
two people who have known each other for just a couple of
hours.

They could almost pass for a couple.

AMY
I've really enjoyed myself today.
Your a refreshing change Mr. Joshuwa.

JOSHUWA
I bet you say that to all the boys.

AMY
I don't make a habit or picking up
men. Especially men from my dads
bar.

JOSHUWA
So that's what you did? You picked
me up?

AMY
You seemed like a nice enough guy.
I thought I would treat you to lunch.
I had a great time. So I guess the
gamble paid off.

JOSHUWA
You paid for lunch. How about you
let me buy dinner? Are you doing
anything tonight?

AMY
Are you asking me on a date?

JOSHUWA
I'm asking you to have dinner with
me. If you wanna call it a date,
That's fine by me.

AMY
Then a date it is.

JOSHUWA
What time should I pick you up?

AMY
About Nine?

JOSHUWA
NO.
(beat)
I mean... That's a little late for
me.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
6.


AMY
Eight?

JOSHUWA
Great.

AMY
I'll come and pick you up. I prefer
to drive. Is that ok?

JOSHUWA
What? Yes. Yes of course.

Joshuwa starts backing off.

JOSHUWA (CONT'D)
So I guess I will see you at eight.

AMY
Aren't you forgetting something?

JOSHUWA
Erm.....

AMY
Your address. I have no idea where
you live.

JOSHUWA
Oh, right. I'm sorry.

Taking out a piece of paper.

JOSHUWA (CONT'D)
Do you have a pen?

EXT. PARK - DAY

It's later in the day and the park is almost empty. Joshuwa
walks past the scene of the dog attack earlier that day.

He walks across the grass to the exact spot where it happened.

Kneeling Down, he sees a pool of dried blood on the grass.
Dog or man. It's impossible to tell. Its just a dark mess.

FADE OUT:

FADE IN:

EXT. NIGHT SKY - NIGHT

It's a clear night. Stars surround a bright full moon.

INT. A ROOM - NIGHT

The same room we started in. Joshuwa stands looking out of
the window at the dark night sky.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
7.


The full moon casts a blue tint over his face and the room.

JOSHUWA (V.O.)
Some people would call this my
prison...

Joshuwa backs away from the window we see for the first time
the window has bars across the outside.

JOSHUWA (V.O.) (CONT'D)
My cell...

Joshuwa walks over to the door. It is kept shut via dozens
of locks. He takes the keys from each lock and pushes them
through the letter box.

He turns and looks at the room.

JOSHUWA (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Nothing more than my upholstered
****eon...

With his back to us, Joshuwa heads to the closet.

JOSHUWA (V.O.) (CONT'D)
They're wrong of course...

He opens the closet. AMY gagged and bound, falls out of the
closet and hits the floor violently.

Joshuwa ungaggs her.

She starts screaming.

We hear the sound from the scene but its muted. Joshuwa's
V.O stays at a constant volume.

JOSHUWA (V.O.) (CONT'D)
This is the only place I can truly
be free.

Joshuwa walks back over to the window. Takes one last look
at the full moon. He reaches up and pulls down an iron
shutter that was hidden by the certain. The window is closed
off completely. In the background we see Amy struggle to
her feet and try to get the door open. It's pointless.

JOSHUWA (V.O.) (CONT'D)
The only place I can be me...

We see Joshuwa from behind, as he locks the shutter.

He turns and looks over his shoulder. We punch into a C.U
on his face.

JOSHUWA (V.O.) (CONT'D)
The ONLY place I can be me.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
8.


Joshuwa's eyes turn RED.

His face distorts.

Random patches of fur spout from his face.

His teen grow.

We hear Amy's scream in the back ground get louder and louder.

FADE TO BLACK:

We hear the screams joined by a evil growling noise. Then
Chaos.

THE END:



Despin out.

<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ December 20, 2002 05:53 PM: Message edited by: Despin entertainment ]</font>

[ickle_jim]

whats the ****eon?

Some feedback:-
I thought the VO at the start was cheesy, not just what he said, but the whole idea of the VO then knowing you would have to come back to it.

I can see how the whole dog scene sets the character up as this cold, unemotional man so i guess that works well, but im can also see the irony of him being a werewolf so that works.

The scene in the bar was quite good, alot of chemistry would come from the actors and the way they play it, the way they look at each other and what not. But your script lacked that, i didnt really get a sense of chemistry between them. The dialogue was good in places tho.

Now perhaps i need to read through it again, but i didnt understand any of the this is my cell bit...am i right in thinking its just his own house that happens to have loads of locks on it?

One last thing "We hear the screams joined by a evil growling noise. Then Chaos." Can you explain that to me? What do you mean by choas? you mean he attacks her? if so why not write that

[emjen]

It's cool yo.

Although it would've been cooler if he didnt change into a werewolf but just played his sick tricks he enjoys himself &lt;-- sickness.

And the sjitty day he had... doesn't really matter to the story but it stayed in the back of my head, so it might be cool to go further on that some more too.

I mean you still have 2 pages left for the maximum.

I liked the idea man. Lets hug.